Author: N_I_Falk
Posted: Thu Nov 10, 2011 5:59 pm
I wrote a long post and it got deleted, but this is probably better anyhow:
I just want to comment on the exercising aspect of recovery. I can relate to A LOT of things which you’ve said in this thread and go off on tangents for pages and pages; I’m sure a lot of us could. But to focus on one thing I just want to tell you I know exactly how you feel about exercising and it’s impact on recovery or speeding up recovery.
When I’m detoxing, particularly during acute withdrawal, I want to retreat, which is what my drug habit taught me. Retreating is the problem. I’d exercise, but I’d lament it. I’d try to eat more nutritiously, but like you said, even feeding the dogs is hard enough as it is. But exercising isn’t only a physical activity to get natural endorphins pumping and the brain working as it should again. For instance, instead of running around my neighborhood, full of cookie cutter homes, asphault, no scenary, cement and all that weight and burden on the grass and dirt, I’ll run at a forest preserve near my house. At first it’s hell, but as I keep going and that quitting feeling begins to kick in, I realize it’s a very binary moment, 0’s or 1’s, one or the other, quit or continue. The beautiful scenary becomes a metaphor for life and I’m literally sufferring and pushing through it. I don’t know if it’s just the way I think, but once I push through that trying phase and commit to staying with the discomfort of running for a prolonged time, I start to just rummage through the mess of my life. I start seeing and thinking about things in more optimistic ways, more realistic ways. It’s difficult to explain. I usually end up running longer than I should have because I usually feel worse afterwards for a good 45-60 minutes. But in a way, psychologically, I usually feel ten times better which lets me push through the physical distress and shows me that I can get through a difficult time where I’m my own enemy demanding submission. And I build upon that. Then after running, after all that work I put myself through, I don’t want to eat ice cream, cookies, cheeseburgers, pop or anything with all that fat, sugar and artificial crap in it. It just doesn’t feel right. So putting myself through the punishment of exercise forces me to eat healthier. It creates a sort of feedback loop. Eating good makes me want to exercise and vise versa.
And a comment on what you said about how you felt around your friends. It’s good to have support, you need that. But you need to deal with a lot of things and that means commiting to a healthy amount of alone time where you CAN cry, scream, pound your fists, or just think and reflect, even greive for the years lost. There is little difference in having lost a loved one and having lost large portions of your life to something that is so close to death it nearly IS death. It may be painful, and erradic emotional bouts aren’t a joyride, but it can be a good sign. You’re FEELING. Feeling and reacting and dealing with everything that life hands us is NOT easy, which is why we ran to drugs in the first place. It WILL wane as you learn to cope with your feelings, to FEEL them, assimilate them, reflect upon them and then act upon them. If they don’t, then as someone above stated, seek professional help. Seek a psychologist out before a psychiatrist and make it clear to them that you don’t want to be referred too quickly to a psychiatrist unless ABSOLUTELY NECESSARY. A lot can be solved by talking and time and patience. Let your therapist, if you go that route, know this, that you are willing to be patient and HONEST. Resorting to a pill of ANY kind can result in myriad triggers that should only be an option if you’re up against a wall and your depression is winning out over your patience. But coming here and talking is a GOOD sign. People are listening and we all want to help because helping you helps us and we’re all in the same boat. I’m 3-4 days into sub w/d myself. I’ve been here countless times. I know what you suffer and I hope you hang in there and keep making the hard decisions, the right decisions. Look yourself in the mirror and try to find that missing piece, try to remind yourself of what it was that got you here and if you can figure THAT out, well, that’s a whole ‘nother thread. But that’s the trick and it’s the hardest thing in the world to do. But it can be done.
When your body and mind say no to the things you KNOW you should do, push through it with EVERYTHING you’ve got. It is SO easy to say, another thing to do. But it’s the only way for you to get to a point where those things become common place, and far easier to do. That’s where you begin to live life, not suffer it. I empathize with you and all of you that suffer this pain we’ve put upon ourselves, but I pity none of you and you shouldn’t pity yourselves. Pity is a trap. Empathy is a gentle respite. But pity will pull you away from your struggle and bring you down further than you were to begin with.
Keep everything up and keep posting, talk about it. Think and purge yourself. It really IS a fight for your life. Don’t take it lightly and always go down swinging with the intention of getting back up. Face yourself and find everything that’s true no matter how painful. Accept yourself and let others accept you, help you and there you should find strength enough to go on another day. Because as cliched as it is, this really is a one day at a time thing. One second at a time at it’s worst.
