Author: jcb1981
Posted: Fri Oct 14, 2011 5:11 pm
Wow, RsjxRsj, you really know how to help someone feel better. I shared your post with my partner because it was so impacting. I must say at this point, however, that I don’t FEEL accomplished. I just feel like a junkie trying to deal with life. But mostly, I just wonder if everything was always so gray before and I just didn’t notice it. I had an appointment with my psychiatrist just the other day and was telling him how underestimated I feel the anti-depressant properties of Suboxone are. He said he had spoken with several other doctors who agreed with that statement. Maybe it’s just opiates in general that have that effect on addictive people, but no matter what I do, I can’t seem to think of much else: it’s always the Suboxone. I’m still taking 0.2 mg of Clonidine in the morning and in the afternoon for withdrawal and I wonder if at times it slows me down and causes this circumscribing haze that everything is muted by. There’s just no glow about the sun anymore or no radiance about the stars at night. All is…void, for lack of a better word. The ONLY word that has been continuously running through my mind this entire time is the word "void."
But posts like yours really help a lot. They remind me that this is monumental, because sometimes I get lost in all of it. I really do fear that it will always be this way for some reason. If I could re-train my mind to think otherwise, I imagine my days would go by faster and things would become easier, but I just can’t seem to get over that thought: "this is how it will always be." And the main reason I feel that way is because I’m not in any physical pain aside from lack of energy, but my will is so low, and to simply exist hurts in a way.
But that goes without saying that there is some faith still inside me that this all does turn around and that the person I am will come shining through again. It’s just going to take that asshole called "time" to cooperate with me. Again, thank you for your encouraging words, my friend.
