Author: autononymous
Posted: Sun Dec 18, 2011 12:00 am
My, didn’t my post above sound calm and reasonable….but…tonight it finally happened–my friend is gone for the weekend…and I lost my temper with my mother…just because the caregiving is so…ugly. I know she cannot help the terrible condition she is in and now that she is so old, frail, and disabled it’s really beyond the point of resolving any resentments I have toward her leftover from her failings as a mother when I was a child but….it seems like I still have plenty of resentment. I wish I’d never been born and that really is her fault. but there’s nothing anybody can do about it now so it’s pointless to dwell on. And this ugly side of the caregiving (it’s not just that she needs help in the bathroom–she cannot even get out of bed to get to the bathroom, or to use a portable commode and bedpans won’t work for her either)–well, it’s a trigger for me too–this kind of thing does seem easier to handle when numbed on drugs. But relapsing is completely out of my reach at the moment–even if I had access to my DOC I’ve been taking my sub, and a high enough dose that it should block any other opiates for many days. So, unbuffered reality is all I have. Christmas in this situation is just a joke. I’ll try to stay one extra day (or less, if I can manage it) to go through the motions of Christmas for my nieces and then get out of here. My brother just lets my mother lie in shit-stained sheets–somehow he doesn’t realize how bad it gets, but for me…the shame of it is just too much. Meanwhile, I know that really the worst thing is for me to lose my temper at my mom…but it happens every time. At least this time, mainly thanks to the presence of my friend, i went for weeks before losing it.
Can anybody refer me to website support group for caregivers of elderly parents?
