Author: DiGGer
Posted: Fri Jul 01, 2011 8:39 pm
I am still sick, it feels like "cotton fever" with cold chills etc… I did take my 70mg methadone dose at 9:30am and then slept for 2 hours but upon waking I still feel terrible but the worst is behind me… When this first came on I swear I thought there was a good chance I could die… This has been one of the biggest mistakes I have ever made, the first was ever getting on any drugs to begin with… I will be 50 years old in January and my entire life has been on the roller coaster… I was born to a heroin addicted mother and I began that negative life style early in my life being convicted of armed robbery when I was 13 which led me to 16 more years thrown away behind bars… I have been off parole for 21 years now which is a miracle in itself… Its not ALL doom and gloom but anyone that knows about being on methadone it is masking and distorting my visions of reality… So what seems normal to me now looking at the very same thing clean I would have a totally different opinion…
I lost my entire family within 4 months in 2006, my mom and dad had a fire which led to being placed in a care home and my dad hugged my mom as he died of a heart attack so them mom wanted to move somewhere else so I moved her 100 miles south to be closer to my sister and grandparents, 1 month later my sister died of a massive heart attack them mom began to get sick from her diabetes, she was on methadone the last 15 years of her life… She had to be placed in ICU and my grandparents were staying at the hospital 24/7 the last 7 days my mom was alive… When I got home there was a message on my answering machine for me to come back to the hospital, on the way home my grandpa pulled out in front of a semi truck and it killed them both…
I had been clean for a few years then and during all that my girlfriend of 3 years had relapsed and the rest is history, went to shooting dope to doing everything that entails heading right back to prison I made the life saving choice to get back on methadone… Now trapped once again in the never ending saga… I remember being 18 and at Sea Dru Nar in Seattle thinking "I dont want to be 40 and strung out" and here I am 50 and strung out… I am not on my pitty pot just giving you a little history… Man, it should be printed in HUGE letters on that suboxone "IF ON METHADONE DO NOT TAKE" this has been the very worst sickness I have ever had by far bar none…
I need to pray and ask for forgiveness and strength to once again "GET OVER MYSELF"… 11th step… I havent went to a meeting in years… The main nooner where I live is 1 block from my home… I am my own worst enemy…
Thank you to anyone reading that is thinking at least I am not pissing up a rope or trying to bullshit anyone… I am thankful for online recovery rooms they have been such a big part of my journey and I know of others that have been saved by using them as a stepping stone to their recovery… I made my own bed and I have no one else to blame…
I do know that there is a great life to be had without the use of drugs but in order to maintain that I must be responsible and maintain that on a daily basis… I am disappointed in myself… Hopefully I wont be as sick in the morning…
