Author: christin
Posted: Fri Jul 29, 2011 10:00 pm
Laddertipper,
Thanks for the post. You are so kind to take the time.
I’m tapering for me, at least that is how I feel most of the time. My sponsor’s comment caught me off guard. It was out of the blue. I hadn’t asked her to seek the opinion of anyone. She readily admits that she has no experience with Suboxone, or any opiate replacement for that matter. She was strictly cold turkey and it was c/t as difficult as cold turkey can be done. She admits that she was in a "martyr" stage at that point and wouldn’t expect anyone to follow what she did. I commend her for what she did. I tried c/t with a nano-fraction of her physical dependence and I couldn’t do it.
I know that she was trying to seek some experience for me — to better understand or to offer me guidance. I’ve been open about my tapering and have shared my frustrations with her. Receiving an unsolicited, "the withdrawal is mostly psychological" in light of what I have been sharing (very humbly and honestly) felt like a slap in the face when I read it. You’re correct, my sponsor is a wonderful woman, but her comment has made me feel embarrassed, even ashamed, of what I have shared as my struggles at tapering.
In the same email, she replied to my frustration at my father whipping out his oxys and taking them for a headache. He never would have considered putting a can of beer on the table when his alcoholic mother was visiting. I don’t understand. Sometimes, I wonder if he wants me addicted again because he got so much of my time and attention when I was getting pills from him. Tonight, I spent 2 hours staring at a bottle of oxys as my husband and I were at my dad’s place to keep my dad company and to bring him dinner.
Of course, every time that I visit or do something for my dad, I could request that he put his drugs away and when he doesn’t (as he hasn’t), I can request again. I know that my pride is involved. I don’t want to be seen as being so weak or so "unrecovered" that I’m put on edge so easily. Then again, I find myself praying (as I did tonight) to want not to want them. I fight the thoughts that try to convince me why using one more time might even be beneficial… maybe I actually can stay in control this time, and similar crazy thinking.
I started this last night and my husband started giving me a hard time about being on the computer. So, I got pissed and went to bed… dreamed all night about getting my dad’s pills. I took them in the dream but woke before I used. When I woke, I had a baseball crowd in my head. Does anyone else hear chatter like that when you’re going crazy trying not to use? I swear that it’s an entire crowd and I can even detect a deeper voice as though an announcer is speaking at the same time. Of course, I can’t make out any words and there really isn’t anything making the noise at 2am. But, it’s in my head. That’s what I mean when I tell people that my head gets loud.
Well, I didn’t use yesterday and I didn’t use today. Man… I feel like I’m going to fall flat on my face when this taper is over.
