Relapse, Failing a drug test, & What I did

Author: jonathanm1978

Posted: Tue Mar 27, 2012 10:45 pm

I’ll give you just a glimpse into what I missed..and I don’t mean just one child..I mean, as things timed out, it just so happened that the only child I was even halfway sober during the early ages was my daughter, the oldest, and she’s 11 now. When all of my children were in that {Age 1} through {Age 4} bracket, I was busy chasing pills. My daughter, however, I didn’t start chasing pills till she was nearly 5..and that when I fell off the wagon…so to speak. My first son, when he was born in 2004, I had it all going GREAT right at his birth. I just had landed a great job at a car manufacturing facility, working for Honda — one of the best jobs in this entire damn state. I was making KILLER money..and it took me a while to get built up at that plant..but I did it, for the first 3 years, clean and sober. Then when she got pregnant, and Joshua was born (on December 7, 2004), that VERY night he had to be rushed from one hospital to NICU at another hospital …and my wife was in Hospital A, my newborn FIRST son was in Hospital B…and I decided to go with him and stay. That was a decision that I would eventually live to regret, because in making that decision, I also included my mom, who was really helpful in introducing me to painkillers. I actually came home picked up some clothes for the night, and told her what was going on during my drive to my house…and she asked to come with me to the hospital.
Mistake.
I allowed it, and I also asked her for just a "few" pills to get me a little energy. That started the landslide that saw me lose my job at Honda due to laying out of work..and a pill habit formed that eventually led to my marriage being on the chopping-block. We actually signed and paid for the divorce…and we were going to end it all.

Shortly after that baby came home from the hospital (On December 20, 2004 we brought him home), I kept on getting pills. And a small amount led to a LARGE amount…and it kept getting worse over time. In March of the next year we found out that my wife was RE-pregnant. So another baby was on the way..and we just had got one out of the hospital, he was only 3 months old. I should throw in that I was a damn sex-fiend when I was eating pills. I HAD to have it, and our sex life was averaging 4 to 5 times a week..without any form of protection on my end. She was on birth control, but got pregnant on the pill…and I was still chasing pills…only leading to a worse and worse fate as time went on.

That particular baby was born locally..and he had to spend a week at that hospital — no transport to NICU — but he just had some breathing problems and needed the extra time in the nursery after he was born, because he too, was early. My wife said that I was the most uncaring person she had ever seen about that baby..she said that she had to practically beg me to get me to take her to the hospital to see him..and that when we got there, I didn’t want to stay any time at all..and I was ready to leave by the time we walked in the hospital door. She said that really upset her but never said nothing to me because she knew that something was wrong with me at that point..I wasn’t myself, and the addiction was starting to get to the point of being very selfishly overbearing, to the point that I quit paying bills at home and we had to go live with her parents.

After that, it was when I really started missing out on the babies…I missed nearly ALL of their firsts. I don’t remember first steps for either of my sons, first teeth..first words…I was either too high to care, or just not around. And I wasn’t cheating on my wife with another woman..I was cheating on her with a fkin pill. And I didn’t care.

That led us to the point of her finally catching me in the act. She actually found my stash of pills while I was asleep …because I had hidden them quite poorly at her mom’s house — thinking that I would get up before she did and put them in my pocket. So I was caught, and now it was in the open, and she was MAD AS HELL. Especially when she asked me for how long I had been doing it, and I told her the date that I started was nearly 3 years earlier, when joshua went to NICU and my mom stayed with me at the hospital that night. she said she thought something was odd, but didn’t say nothing.

That drove a stake between us that eventually broke us apart. She couldn’t stand knowing that I had lied so much, and for so long…and deprived her of the life she deserved. I didn’t want to be blamed, or take the blame, and didn’t want to admit that I had a problem. Her parents lived in a trailer park of about 20 trailers…but HER UNCLE owned the trailer park (pretty wealthy guy). Once the word got around and back to him that I was eating pills, they immediately thought the worst. And when he got the chance (something came up missing from their house while they were gone on vacation), he accused me of stealing from them..and told me to get off of his property. I tried to tell him that I would never do that…but he flat-out told me that he didn’t believe me..and that I was NOT to come over there or he’d have me picked up. So I was forced to come live in my house without any lights or water…and the only thing here that worked was the phone line.
I finally got lights/water turned back on…after about a week of pills and pawning nearly everything…and managed to get my house in "living" condition again…but when I called my wife to tell her ..and to beg her to come home..she refused. She said she wasn’t ready..and that she was going to stay where she was (with her mom+dad). That made my drug-addict mind even madder…and I blew my lid. But I kept working, eating pills, and slowly getting even worse. I started taking Oxycontin right around this time…because I was eating too many lortabs per day and started getting sick from so much Aceto..so I had to resort to stronger things. Then, it happened. My wife told me she wanted to get a divorce.

We went to a lawyer, signed papers..and that started the very worst part of my addiction.

I moved some girl in the house with me..and we hadn’t even finalized or finished paying for the divorce. This went on for 7 months…and I was REALLY bad during this time. I was snorting probably 500 a week..and this girl I moved in here started giving me credit cards left and right. Bought me a 11,000 bike…all sorts of shit. I was slowly killing me..and killing any pain that I had emotionally by taking even more..so that I didn’t think about any of it.

I ruined that girls credit..then I finally went to treatment. I had really got bad..but I had missed SO MUCH….

So before you think that you have too many regrets…trust me..you COULD have even more. Just make sure that you keep yourself in a position to be in control of your own destiny..only you can decide what you want from life and achieve that. Nobody else can do it for you..and that innocent little baby that you’re going to be a parent to…they can’t tell you they want you around, or they miss you…they can only love the parent they are given. It’s amazing that children / babies don’t have conditional love. A child’s parent can be the lowest form of damn gutter-trash..and that poor child will love the parent no matter what. Just like me, and my scenario. I was the sorriest son-of-a-bitch around, and my kids cherished me.

And now..no divorce..marriage didn’t end..and we salvaged us and had a new baby…my kids REALLY adore the sober me. Am I a harsh daddy…you bet your ass…but I don’t abuse my kids and they know that I love them. I let them get by with more than I should..and I know that I do…but I also let them know when I’ve had enough.

Hope you enjoyed my novel.