Author: Romeo
Posted: Sun Sep 11, 2011 10:18 am
I usually like to reply to most people who offer me advice on this thread, but I’ve been pretty wrapped up in my own shit for the last week and I’ve neglected to do that, so I’m gonna do it now.
Hatmaker, when I first read through your reply and got to the "Let’s hope your alone next time" part, I actually read right past it for a second then put on the brakes and was like, "what did she just say??" Hat, you know me well enough to know that it sometimes takes a ridiculously good hard swift kick in the butt to get my attention. Believe me, you got my attention.
Laddertipper, as always, thank you so much for everything. You articulated my concerns about going back on Suboxone better than I ever could have. It was actually kinda freaky how you did that. It was like reading my own thoughts.
ReRaise, you said how I gotta get my head out of my ass and quit fucking around…..I didn’t quite get it right then when you said it, but I do now. You are so right. You know 2 days after I thought I pushed myself to the brink of an OD, I wanted to use again!! 2 frickin’ days!! The vomitting outside and not being able to breathe were painful by themselves, but then having the urge to use again 2 days later….WTF is wrong with me……I’m an addict, that’s what’s wrong. Another thing that’s wrong with me is I don’t like to listen to others. How arrogant of me, eh? I’ll spew advice all day long on this forum, but when it comes time for me to sit down, shut up and listen…..I don’t do it. Well, I can either let my addiction kill me or I can start listening. For the first time in months, I actually heard the people in NA last night and I came away a better person for it. Jim, I don’t mind you being blunt with me, sometimes that’s the only way people can get me to listen…..I’m a hard headed SOB.
Breezy__Ann, your comments kinda shook me too. You said it, I know what I’ve got to do, the question is, when am I gonna apply it to myself……the answer…..TODAY and tomorrow and the next day and the next day. I got to a point in my recovery where I thought I was doing pretty good, I slacked off and it bit me. I’m gonna start applying the things I’ve learned in recovery to ME today. Then you went on to hit the nail on the head, you said that I need to care about myself as much as I care about everyone else……that’s what came out of my meeting last night. The lady sitting beside me asked me why I hate myself and I said, "Huh?". She asked again, "what is it that you don’t like about yourself that you can’t get over"…….then it dawned on me, she was right. After a lot of soul searching last night, I finally remembered what it was that started this whole mess of me not liking myself…….if I don’t come to terms with that one, I’m just making my recovery exponetially harder than it needs to be. Thank you for pointing that out to me Breezy, it started me thinking about my issues again and it allowed me to not get defensive when my friend asked me those questions last night.
DoaQ, what can I say?? So many things you said to me were so true. Honest to goodness, all the stuff you said to me was the other part of the meeting last night. Those people were just peppering me with that stuff, then once the meeting was over, they ganged up on me. They didn’t leave me alone until I started speaking the truth about me and my recovery. Again, after hearing it from you first, it kind of softened up the ground for me to be honest with the folks at NA. My disease gets me to lie about it more than i ever knew.
foundhelp, you said, "The thing about those opiates is once you start them bitches….You can’t stop!" and you are so right. The other thing that I continue trying to do is to separate the high I get from drugs with all the carnage and baggage that comes with drugs. For decades, I’ve been trying to figure how to get high without having to endure all the other crap that comes with using drugs, you know what I figured out last night…….those two things are inseparable. If they were able to be separated, don’t ya think after 20 plus years of trying, I’d have figured it out by now??? LOL. I astound myself with some of the notions that I’ve held onto for so long. I keep thinking I can maybe use drugs successfully…..get high from them, but somehow avoid the crap that comes with using. If I want to use drugs, fine, but I better start getting used to the idea of the dump truck load of crap that’s gonna come with using.
Brian__Tx, thanks so much Bud. I really appreciate your support. I hope that I’m finally learning that I’m never as strong as I think I am in my recovery, I pray to God that I’m finally REALLY coming to accept that. That episode this past weekend was painful and I do NOT want to go there again. It scared the snot out of me. I’m back on my journey of 1000 miles, I’ve just started taking my first steps again and it’s good to know I’m not walking alone.
