Author: tearj3rker
Posted: Sun Nov 27, 2011 10:22 pm
| Romeo wrote: |
| To be fair, I knew for the past week or two that I was becoming very unstable emotionally because of the situation I had put myself in with these 2 people, but I couldn’t seem to extricate myself from it all. Over the past 5 or 6 days, I started to "joke" to a few people, here and there, about using drugs again. You all probably know what I’m talking about. Those are some of the smaller behaviors that I know I exhibit leading up to a relapse, but I chose to ignore them.
Anyway, that’s my update. |
Yeah, I know that all too well. The relapse circumstances change, but how we deal with them never does. In the end, the situation doesn’t really matter, it’s only how we dealt with it. I’m always really harsh on myself leading into a lapse, and a bit "carelessly carefree". Joking about using drugs would def be my style as well, as turning my life into a bit of a "joke" makes it a lot easier to lapse. I remember "laughing all the way to the dealers". Do you think ordinarily you’d have reacted to your mistake, the lending money, as harshly? It seemed well intentioned to me.
It’s almost like we have no choice but to ignore the signs, especially later on, because we lose a lot of insight when we’re like that. It almost needs someone close to step in and say they’re concerned, or something outside ourselves showing us we’re doing something wrong. NA is great for that stuff, and it’s good to have a couple of close friends in the rooms who know your "signs".
But you’ve said it before yourself .. that relapse is a big part of recovery. I’m a big believer that relapse doesn’t mean restart. Losing one’s "clean time" in NA can make it feel like that. As long as a person’s moving forward, and that each relapse brings a greater determination to stay clean, then they’re moving forward IMO.
Good luck dude. Don’t let your addiction keep secrets from us! 
