Author: laddertipper
Posted: Tue Nov 29, 2011 11:08 pm
Romeo, this last relapse absolutely freaked me out. Something just is not working. I don’t know what you should do, but you have to change your game plan. I know that the path to sobriety is not an easy or direct one for many of us. I can relate to that with my insane drinking problem. I got sober and then relapsed, relapsed, relapsed, relapsed. The only difference was that I took each slip/relapse seriously enough that I made major changes. I went to rehab, got counseling, worked with a good sponsor, and avoided situations that would threaten my sobriety. Each relapse lead to huge/difficult changes. I’d give up anything, go anywhere for help, pretty much reduce myself to the sick and clueless alcoholic I was and let other people teach me how to live again. Humility was a huge part of all that. I also had a strong sense of what I had to lose if I decided to keep drinking. Everyone around me took it seriously. I could not keep my life and my family and keep screwing up. I’m afraid you don’t have that. You don’t really believe you will lose.
If I were to give a bum outside a liquor store $10 for ‘food’, then watch as he walks into the store and buys booze, it would be unreasonable for me to then get all upset about it, as if I could not have seen it coming. I’ve ‘seen’ you put yourself in positions where you will be around people who are using and basically shoving drugs up your nose or pills into your car, but you seem to think that you are strong enough to resist those temptations and not relapse. I’ve seen you involve yourself in ‘friendships’ that are ginormous disasters waiting to happen, but they make you feel good, so you go ahead with it. It’s completely obvious and predictable to an outsider to see that the bus is going to hit you, but dude, you get irritated and indignant when it’s brought to your attention. I mean, you know better than to give addicts at meetings rides and cash….I know you know better. You know better than to be hanging around with young ladies at meetings. You put yourself in those positions. We all like to feel wanted and needed, but you have to believe you have something invaluable to protect and something you absolutely are not willing to lose. You cannot play with fire, get burned, go use to feel better, and then point to getting burned as the source of your trouble. You have to not play with the fire in the first place.
The relapse before this one was so scary, because you took way too much of a drug that was new to you and it freaked you out. This time, you took that same drug for several days in a row and saw it as no big deal because you could ‘manage’ it. I am afraid for you because of how reckless you are getting. I’m skeptical too, because I thought you flushed it all, but then you used the next day, so obviously you still had some and the whole ‘I flushed it all’ was not true or you went and got more. That makes me wonder if you still have some now but think you can handle it/manage it. I spent enough time around addicts to watch this scenario play out. I’m afraid that if you don’t do something drastic, you will D.I.E. The time before this, you nearly stopped breathing, but you did not get help because you didn’t want anyone to know, so you leaned against a tree in the woods and just hoped you could continue breathing. Dude, what are you doing? I’m not putting you down….but you ARE playing with fire. If your wife gets on here in a few days and posts an R.I.P post about you, at least I’m calling you out on this. And your post-Sub drug use has been serious enough that I would not be surprised if that exact thing happened, so I’m mentally prepared for it.
You have to work a hell of a lot harder. No more messing around. No going to meetings to socialize. Go to listen and learn. Avoid the drama or don’t go at all. Find a sponsor. If there really is nobody around you who will make a decent sponsor, then go online and find one or go back to an addiction counselor. If you relapse again, go to rehab. Go onto Naltrexone (while being monitored by doctor). Go back on Sub…Above all else, you need to stay alive. It doesn’t matter whether people at meetings like you or people on here like you are who you ‘let down’. All that matters is whether you are truly getting better.
Maybe you think this post is harsh, but I absolutely don’t think so. I see the same behaviors and patterns leading to every relapse, and I’m not going to say or write one thing anymore to minimize the severity of it. I don’t care if you are royally ticked at me, because I feel like I’m more worried about your life than you are. Just because you haven’t been on the street, haven’t lost your family, etc. does not mean you are somehow tougher than other addicts and can do this without some serious intervention and life changes. For goodness sake’s, quit going to family functions where everyone is taking drugs….When you get sober, you actually do have to change a ton of stuff in your life. We all do, and so do you. We are all where we are because our way did not work, just like they tell you in meetings. Your way isn’t working. By your own admission, you are a master manipulator and you can get anyone to believe what you say, and that’s a huge part of your problem. I think most of us could claim to be pretty damn good at painting a prettier picture than our reality when we want people to feel a certain way about us or our actions, but *I do not believe you are doing okay*. At least I said it, for what it’s worth.
laddertipper
