Author: Dopeless Hopefiend
Posted: Fri Apr 06, 2012 11:55 pm
I feel that my addiction is a DISEASE and that i AM powerless. Now that doesn’t mean I’m not responsible for my actions either: for example when I steal your jewelry and go pawn it off to get some dope money I can’t just say oh sorry man, that wasn’t me that was my disease that did that lol. No, it simply means that once I start I cannot stop, there is no off switch in my brain that tells me when I’m done, and that has been proven on a physiological/anatomical level studying addicts brains. one is too many and a thousand is never enough for me.
I CANT HAVE JUST ONE. Consider this analogy: when I jump in front of a moving train, it isn’t th middle car or the last car that kills me, its the friggin locomotive!! as simple as that, I AM POWERLESS. however, I am not powerless over whether choosing to pick up the first one.
notice my use of the word choice. Once I’m detoxed and the poison has left my mind and body, I do have a choice whether to pick up the phone and call a fellow alcoholic or to pick up the drink/needle. On the contrary, when I’m shaking, sweating with blood pressure&pulse in the 200’s , waiting for the liquor store to open @9AM on a wednesday in line with the homeless people or going crazy cuz the dopeman will just "be a couple of more hours dude stop blowing up my phone!" while my muscles feel like somebody is lighting them on fire from the inside I DONT have much of a choice. I’m gonna do what I gotta do to get my fix, even if it means harming my family or my friends, not to mention random people!
I hope that kind of explains how sick of an addict I actually am. I have a disease ladies and gentlemen and suboxone combined with meetings and psycotherapy are working wonders for me right now! I am really happy and have never felt better in a decade or had as much clean time as I do now!!
good luck!!!
