Author: tearj3rker
Posted: Thu Oct 27, 2011 11:07 am
I’ve known that drugs destroy my life for over a decade, but I always still wanted to use them. This is different. For the first time I have no desire to use, zero. Even when I’ve been clean for a year, or on suboxone, part of me always can think "gee wouldn’t that be nice right now!", especially if life got hard. But now the thought just doesn’t register. Heroin, cocaine, speedballing … it all just seems sad now, a real sad waste.
This liver treatment does funny things to one’s head though. They say it does do a degree of brain damage. A lot of report report that they can get really introspective and philosophical whilst on treatment, and that the whole process can be life changing, and that it has changed the way they view their life permanently. Perhaps (touch wood) the interferon has managed to damage my addiction while wreaking havoc "upstairs"?
And these feelings are real. I’ve spent the last month doing absolutely nothing, enduring some really extreme headspaces and physical symptoms, with zero desire to use. I haven’t thought of using, or craved once since I decided to stop using. That’s unheard of for me. I’ve been so bored too! Not working, not studying, unable to socialise because of this awesomely fun full body rash I’ve inherited. In my addiction, this was the perfect environment for me to relapse.
And I really want to get off the intranerds too. No offense to anyone. I love you guys (in some weird anonymous way)! But I wanna live my life, and throw off the baggage of my addiction. The two big baggages remaining (in my opinion) are the Hep C, and the Suboxone. Other things I can "work around". Remember guys that I have to pick up Suboxone from the same pharmacy at least twice a week. I can’t travel interstate or overseas for more than 2 weeks at any time. That is the ..law.. no exceptions. 
