Author: amber4.14.11
Posted: Sat Jan 07, 2012 12:30 am
First of all,,,,,
I gotta say,,,,, No trauma assesment today or PTSD assesment, whatever the therapist called it, we DIDNT do it today, so that was pretty awesome. I had a horrible STOMACH ache.
and Ive been getting them the last week or so, off and on. Ithought it was becuase I skipped lunch a few times, so by the time I got home from work, at 6pm, I hadnt eaten ALLLLLL day, so I was starving, (literally) and I’d wolf my food down, then have a stomach ache. I know, duh right???
so I made sure even if I didnt take lunch that I at least ate a banana or something by 12, and maybe that’d stop the stomache thing. I mean working as hard as I do, for 8-10 hrs strait, cant be good with NO food coming in right????? I do drink water all day, but that doesnt really ‘feed’ your body…..
anyways, I made sure to have a snack.
WELL, still the stomach ache. WTF????????????????????????????????
the only other time Ive ever had a stomach problem is, when I was 12 I had ulcers, and when I was using, Id like ‘binge eat’ you know, not eat for two days, then eat everything in the kitchen one day, not eat for the next two and so on.
so im really floored by this, cuz then when my stomach hurts I dont wana eat AT ALL.
So I show up at therapy today, of course ive got a freaking stomach ache from hell, and she says, well, we really needed to schedule a TWO HOUR appt for the trauma assesment, so we’re not doing that today.
Im thinking, okay, maybe my stomach ache will go away now. but it didnt…………
She says it could be anxiety. oh really, is that what i pay you fifty bux a week for??? yea i know dude.
She gives me ‘breathing’ exercises to do, and tells me to try and exercise before or after work. Im like do you mean go jogging or some shit?? she says yea, or walk.
UMMMMMMMMMMM I walk ALL FREAKING DAY, sometimes RUN all freaking day. either way, I SWEAT ALLLLLL FREAKIN day, and theres NO way Im going Jogging BEFORE work. are you serious right now?????
Im completely exhuasted when I get home usually. I get stiff, in the car on the way home and can hardly walk when I get outta the car.
Maybe shes rite though. who freaking knows.
Im gonna be trying the breathing first though, thats for sure. sounds alot less exhuasting.
Maybe I should stuff my three yr old in a backpack and JOG to freaking safeway AFTER i get home from work, maybe then I’ll be getting enough excersise to rid my anxiety. LMFAO
Im sure this anxiety issue is one of the reasons I began using in the first place. I remember the first time I took xanax, I was 17 i think, and remember thinking,,,,,,"wow, its impossible to be anxious now" and I liked it, hell I was in love.
So Im fairly cetain this isnt a new problem. Im looking for a different cure this time tho…….. lol
Oh yea, and that condo I work at, installing the counter tops?
well this dude I used to get high with all the time, is working there now. NOT construction, but as one of the sales people. Its a time share condo or whatever, I seen him in the hallways a few times, and just acted really busy, so I didnt have to acknowledge his presence.
I knew this would happen one day. He was one of my very best buds. we talked every single day. our kids sat in the backseat of cars together for hours on end.
anyways, it finally happened, I was waiting for the elevator, and he was walking by……..
we chatted for a few minutes. he looked shocked that I had been on sub for eight months, and even more shocked that I had the same job for almost as long…………………..
He of course had just started working as a salesmen, for the timeshare place. and it was the first time he landed a job since being fired two years before, from a certain home improvement center, for his ‘money drop’ being short over 400 bucks, not once but twice. and yes each time it was ‘short’ we were headed to the clinic…………
so I held everything back that I could, I was nice, but assertive. he asked for my number, I said if he wanted a referall to the sub doc, he could call me at the shop. my thought was, if he REALLY was ready for help one day, he’d call the shop, and if he wanted to geta hold of me for any BS, well, he just wouldnt be able to. or if he tried, I’d ignore the ‘post it’ messages I get from the office lady or my boss.
Its just a whole different ‘animal’ when part of your ‘old life’ surfaces in your new one.
almost like its toxic to the new envirnment you live in, so your trying to keep the toxins from polluting the water supply. I think I did fairly well.
It felt good to not be the one going thru withdrawl, without a dollar to your name, that neverending feeling of hopelessness………. I could totally see it in his eyes. those used to be my eyes. I swear theres a certain ‘gloss’ a person gets, when theyre an addict, a severe addict, after youve burned every bridge, goten every extension of credit possible, sold everything you could live without, and not even to get high anymore, but to just not be dopesick. that is the only goal for the day,,,,,,just to not be sick. . . . . so this certain gloss, I think you can only see it if youve been there, or maybe you feel it, im not sure. ‘
it was just amazing to NOT be that person in THIS conversation. he did look at me like I shot his favorite dog, and I do feel bad, but not too bad, that I used to be his good friend, and now its just not possible anymore. but i have to remind myself thats how its gotta be. I had to cut it ALL out. not just parts and pieces. I tried that before, and it didnt work.
of course at the end of the conversation he told me he ‘only takes what hes sposd to’ but we all know thats BS. he could never do that the six years we hung out. not once. he’d get his Rx, and five days later, he’d be out. end of story…………………………………….I know where the saying ""It takes one to know one"" came from now
