Author: amber4.14.11
Posted: Sat Nov 19, 2011 6:57 pm
THANKS YOU GUYS!!!!!!!
Yes I really feel im "on a mission" now to eduacate others, especially parents on how to talk to thier kids about drug use. I remember being really curious about drugs as a teen, and my mom just told me they were bad, and that’s it.
she said it was okay to smoke pot once in awhile when your old enough. lol
Anyway, I feel like now, that im older if she wouldve at least taken the time to answer questions,and explain that addiction is different than drug use, I mightve still been an addict, but maybe not have been so blind-sided! who knows for sure.
My stepdad did some awful things when I was younger. Im still working thru them in therapy. He would physically punish me and my brother, tape our hands behind our back becuase we fought too much.
I remember once he caught me talking on the cordless phone outside and drug me into the house, hitting me in the side of the head with the phone as we went inside.
Now he tries to tell me how to discipline my son…….
but OF COURSE i ignore it. I went thru a parenting eduacation program when I first went on maintenance. its really helped alot. I mostly use positive enforcement with him. Plus he’ s such a sensitive kid, he gets anxious REALLY easy, and hes not tht kinda kid that needs to be yelled at. and definitely not hit. I swatted his butt one time, and he still wore diapers, for running from me in aparking lot…..that was it. and he hasn’t done it since.
So another thing Im working on in therapy is going thru the grief of losing my grandfather. Since he was the one that showed me unconditional love as a child. He died in 2004, just after I got married. He gave me away and IM so thankful he was here for that.
but it was after his death that I did start circling the drain so to say.
I guess I never realized it before. Its good tho, Im glad that im trying to feel my feelings and emotions now. I dreamof him once in awhile, it’s like Im actually having a conversation with him.
it totally trips me out. becuase when I wake up I swear its reality. like I can smell his old cologne…….crazy huh??
My mom blames my biological father alot. I dont remember if I wrote on the last post that he’s in a mental institution. has been for 5yrs now. Im the onlychild he ever had, even tho hes been married 4 dif times. He did so much dope that he cant live o n his own, take care of himself or even have a job.
thank god I got it together before that stage. I know that’s where I was headed.
going back to my mom, when I would tell her what my stepdad did while she was at work or what ever as a child, she would say things like "why do you push him that far" "whats wrong with you"
TO THIS DAY she makes excuse after excuse for his behavior. becuase lets face it, hes still an ass.
but Im happy to say i am learning to work thru it, to get over the past. I dont know that ill ever forget whats happened to me, but I can appreciate that its made me WHO i am, and nothing will change that.
I can teach my son how to treat others, and that he deserves to be treated like a person, even if someone disagrees with him.
and im going to make mistakes as a parent, but I can apologize to him and move on. I will tell him every single day that I love him with my whole heart, and he will make me angry sometimes, I may be dissapointed in his behavior sometimes, but that Ill ALWAYS love him NO MATTER WHAT>>>>>>
Im learning how i will be able to make him feel safe to share his feelings when he gets older. He’ll be 3 next month….
the other day I told the therapist I was uncomfortable when ppl cried in front of me. As a child it always seemed like fighting with my stepdad or my mom, they werent satisfied with the fight, until I cried. so naturally I learned to NEVER cry, to never show I was hurt. my therapist asked how many times i cried since being married, I replied "twice"
once when my dog died, and once when I had my son.’
I think she was surprised. I got married in 2003.
So Im working on showing emotion, and it’s okay to be sad sometimes. its even okay to cry if you feel a need to do so. Well I dunno bout the crying yet,,,,but im making forward progress……lol
Okay I gotta get something done around here.
THANKS SO MUCH AGIAN YOU GUYS!!!!
