Author: finallyachance
Posted: Sat Jan 07, 2012 3:58 am
On the other side of addiction. So you say. Well I am going to bring you back around to the other side of addiction in my following post just because I can so relate to her side too. So the question being should you draw a line in the sand to what she can discuss with you about her situation with "him" in her active addiction world and You know this is really a good question and for so many reasons the answer seems to be right in saying No. Make boundaries for your own self preservation and put them up when it comes to a time you need to help yourself not be sick by her sickness especially in and about the relationship you see making/compounding her issues so harshly. BUT…….
With that being said, and from relating more to her side of the story than yours, because I was the friend that emotionally leaned on a certain friend when I was sitting on the fence of me separating myself from old playmates, my addictions downfalls and the bundle of problems that I created, etc…So looking at this situation through her eyes……..I found myself when I was limited to being able to talk to my friend about certain aspects of my active addiction, and that left to my own devices I would just throw my hands up in the air and say eff it, I don’t know what to do so, I can’t talk to my friend anymore about it so…. I will do what I do know how to do and that is make the wrong decisions. And…After a while when I had to limit my discussions and/or information I could not share with this friend I eventually stopped sharing at all.
Essentially her biggest problem in her active addiction right now is too closely involved and too big of a part of the guy to take that piece of the pie and remove it from your involvement. If so you are only left with a small piece of pie and that piece of the pie is not the "acute part". So, if you cannot deal with the Guy issue then maybe it is best that you all don’t discuss any part of the problem. If you all Continue this way in time it become that she can only call you when he’s not in her life and you will be so out of the loop that any help you could offer her will not be afforded to her cause he is or was the biggest part of the problem you have/had about her problem. I feel that maybe you find a way to not let him be such a raw nerve (de-synthesize yourself from "HIM" being sore to you) so you can be always informed and not left out of the loop of her life right now it seems you are her only link to what is right and what can be right when she can get off the effin fence.
Everybody needs that one person that they can unconditionally go to and feel safe and comfortable and loved. Remove that one person and chances of recovery is a further distance away from ever being a possibility. Being alone and no support system (because we didn’t behave the way our support system thought we should) leaves one to definitely being in desperate times and in a way makes their issues even more chronic.
I commend you for what I have read through and seen you have to offer this friend and if you want to win this war in efforts to help her save herself from him and the drugs you cannot remove this part of the battle. I believe if you start to pick areas in which you can or cannot help her it will be too frustrating for you to try to continually remind her of the lines drawn in the sand and will create a constant wall that has a door but when she opens it you have to slam it. It’s not good for her emotions to be on the other end of the door slammed in her face and it’s not good for your emotions to have to be the one continually having to slam it. I think it would be better and more compassionate of you to just tell her you cannot be involved in watching her ruin her life any longer and totally remove yourself (which might inadvertently help her) than to be there some of the way, some of the time and have to slam doors and build walls. In a way you are kind of sitting on the fence with her when you are forced to draw lines and make rules.
I think it is as simple as answering this question. (Which is not so simple)….. How can I best help _______________? Stay involved and be there for her and try to talk to her, support her, love her till she loves herself or for my own well being remove myself allow her to fight this on her own and hope she might realize the errors of her addiction, choices and behaviors and even that she needs me in her life more than him or drugs? And…Then act accordingly no confusion for her none for you. Better idea than drawing lines and making rules which gives her more test to fail and feel like shit over.
Now in saying all this because Hat you have helped me on this forum more than you can even know. I give you credit for being stronger than you think. I think you have been a wonderful, caring, understanding friend and your only problem with helping your friend is this one part……. him (de-synthesize his effect on you and instead let him give you an ability to separate him from your raw nerve and allow you to stay in the war and win this part of the battle first so you both can forge on to some real issues she has) When he is gone……. you still have a broken friend that needs your help getting on the right bus. (For the lack of a better way to say it.)
If you cannot do it and it is defeating you somehow then remove yourself totally until she comes to you with a smaller bundle of problems that don’t impact you so negatively. You are not wrong in any of your choices if you have the right reasons in making them.
All the above is only my opinion as I put myself in her shoes and not yours so much in this post because I could relate to being in her shoes more closely than yours. That goes to say a lot about how broken I was and still am to a certain degree but the facts are the facts. By the way, my friend couldn’t handle certain parts of my addiction and the bundle of problems so she removed herself (and she is a gender identity therapist so go figure it was too close to home for her a 30 year old friendship since we were twelve).
Since I have been in MMT she and I have mended our friendship and often times now I tell her of struggles and troubles I dealt with without her for 5 years and she deals with some guilt (which she does not deserve she had to do what was best for her) In her removing herself, I was much more vulnerable to my dangerous self loathing destructive ways and there were times in those 5 years that I might have responded better to getting out of the hell, but I was helpless with no one to help me so I had to stay in the bed I made. But I can no way fault her for protecting herself from me and my problems. And maybe just maybe I would have used her help to the fullest because there were those times I wanted help, I wanted out etc…But because I could not promise her I would be perfect in my actions I was too scared to approach her with any pleas for help. Still I came out on the other end and we are best friends just like we were before. Neither one suffers ill will from the past.
I know I have thrown you the opposite side of all the support you have received above and I by all means agree with everything they all are saying too. I just thought I would afford you with what the other person feels like when they lose that one little piece of hope they have in having an unconditional friendship. Like everything there are two sides neither one has to be right or wrong just opposite sides of the spectrum.
Good luck in whatever you choose. You really are a good friend now and will be so regardless in which way you decide to go because you removing yourself too can have positive results in for sure helping yourself and even to a degree it might force her to move a little quicker through her wrong choices. Because it is quite evident you will be there in the end no matter what.
